thanksgiving
I am so thankful for my friends and my ridiculous family. I am thankful that my grandmother was here to celebrate with us. I hope this stays the same for the next 30 years.
So I am in one of those moods (right spot in my cycle, I think) where I feel bad. I texted Tim for the first time since I told him to never speak to me again. I told him to tell his family happy thanksgiving from me. However, there are so many things I want to say. I want to tell him that I am compromising my ideals to try to be someone that doesn’t need him. I want him to know I chopped all of my hair off after we saw each other last January. I want him to know that I may feel ugly and I may be uncomfortable with myself right now but I would rather go through that than crawl back to him for a temporary fix. I want him to know that I have found emotional replacements for him and the only time I ever think of him fondly is when I feel badly about everything else. But I won’t because that is petty and he knows how I feel about everything anyways.
I am tired of playing games, I am tired of uncertainty but I want this more than I want it to end. I will find happiness in this gray area. I love my life, I live my family, I love the people around me even if I am in one of those moods where I don’t really love myself right now.
I work an 11hr shift tomorrow for the dreaded black Friday. Time for bed.
