Are you ever just super unhappy with everything?
Today I am. I might have broken my 4.0 streak this semester due to laziness. I am lethargic and I just want to be how I was 3 years ago. I want my long, dirty blonde hair back and I want that life back. I hate that I am so weird and I say stupid things and that I somehow manage to say exactly the wrong thing about everything to people I like. I am 23 years old and I am still acting like a damn 16 year old girl. I am too old for these games and I am too old to feel sorry for myself. I just don’t feel good. I feel lazy, slow, unattractive, and like I don’t belong anywhere right now. I am just floating through life with no real attachment to anything and no one that really cares about me. It is kind of depressing, really. I am 23 and this is how my life is right now.
But, I am Caitlyn Kogge, I am not supposed to have feelings. I am giddy and optimistic and crazy. I don’t get lonely, I can pack up and leave any where whenever I want and I do it all the time. I am strong and independent and self-sufficient and I always get by. That is me.
I may be all those things but right now, I just want someone to care about me. I am tired of texts that really only mean “I want to fuck you”, I am tired of being the third runner up friend to all of these people I am slightly uncomfortable to be around, and I am tired of having people tell me they love me/care for me/want what is best for me and yet they can’t put in a fraction of the effort I do to prove it. How many people have visited me at Georgetown this year? 1 person who didn’t just come for a volleyball game. Probably 2 if you count a game. The person who visits me the most is KC and we are and only ever will be friends even though I am forcing him to fill an emotional void left from years of lame ass boy friends who care more about my body and their image of who they think I am than my actual mind. Fuck, only 2 people came out in Lexington for my Birthday. I go out of my way to see people, waste my time and money, and I can only get 2 people to come out for my birthday and we drove together. It must make you all feel good to come see me when I drive the hour and you drive the 5 minutes. That is definitely a balanced friendship. But I can’t even complain about that, at least you come the 5. I know plenty of people who won’t even do that for me. Is it my fault? Am I annoying? Do I just give too much so it is easy to sit back and wait for me to come to you? Why is it that I have lived in KY for almost 5 years and only 1 person from New England has come down to see me? I don’t just have barrels of money to throw at plane tickets and gas to come visit so why am I making dozens of trips and no one else can make a single attempt.
I have a great life and great people in my life but I hate that I rarely ever get to feel wanted in it. What else am I supposed to do for you people?
