This is a long overdue post
So I have been chipper overall lately but I am slowly getting more depressed. Being a girl is rough. Work was fine today. No 40 year old men asked me out (like yesterday) so it was uneventful. Sold one pain of sunglasses (the only pair we sold all day) and that was all. Lucas, the guy who works next to me, was super excited to see me today. The highlight of work was the especially attractive man I kept staring at in the mall. I wish I had said something to him. He was beautiful. I talked to Lucas about him while we took a drink and cookie break and Lucas said, “Why don’t you date anybody? You have to have like 30 guys all over you at a time.” Yea… bout that. I guess I never know how to respond to that question. I just said, “because boys are stupid”. Typical answer from a college girl, I suppose. I wasn’t going for anything prolific today. But really, he is not the first guy to say that to me. I can’t ever tell if I like them and they are trying to pawn me off on another guy, if they like me and they are being polite, or if they genuinely believe the statement to be true. Well, no, I don’t have tons of guys hanging all over me. Well, not ones whom I would give the time of day to. I am a tall, attractive, successful, intelligent woman who is not about to settle for something that I probably won’t be able to stand for more than a week so I can get rid of this sad feeling I have been pushing into the pit of my stomach all night. Yes, I want to find love, be happy, have a family, and settle down eventually and no, I don’t want casual sex that leads no where and leaves me less satisfied than before, but it just isn’t happening for me. I know that I am probably too young to be concerned with how my life is going to end up seeing as I am only a mere 23 years of age but I can’t help but worry that this is it for me. Women don’t exactly age gracefully and I’m not getting any shorter. That hurts me. I don’t really find myself attracted to shorter men (hopefully not just because they are shorter) and I am going to eventually have to accept that my height is severely limiting my options with regard to men attracted to me as well. The only time half these guys give me the time of day is when we are both drunk so they can tell me how sexy they think I am without a. having to admit the truth to their friends b. dealing with the repercussions for the statement, or c. meaning it. I am 23 and still haven’t figured it out. Maybe I am just not what they are looking for. Maybe I really am intimidating to men. Women say that a lot as an excuse for why they are undate-able but it probably really is true for me. I am a very tall, confident woman. That is not just something a guy wants to charge at head first. Plus, I am aggressive and lack all ability to hold my tongue. I am not very girly around men and I make such a good guy friend and not exactly a great girlfriend.
Now, I must say this is all sparked by my recent outlandish sexual activity and the fact that my ex, whom I never want to be with again and yet miss terribly some nights, has blown me off 3 days in a row while he has been in town. I am feeling kind of low because I just feel really unwanted. Sure, men hit on me at work. They are men, they think with their penises; that is what they do. I think I am attractive, I believe I have a lot to offer, and I think I will do good things in my life, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely or sad or ugly on occasion and that occasion is now. The best I can do is reason through it.
So there is a guy that I don’t even really like but I think I could. And I had tried to get together with him but it has been fruitless. Here is what happened: We went on a date (it was pretty enjoyable). We went back to his apt with wine (I drank way too much of it too fast). We fooled around (I didn’t want to), I put my foot in my mouth several times (not in a sexy way), he got mad (left me with the dog), and then he came back, we finished the job, went to sleep and I bailed in the am (classy when I rolled into my house at 8am with my parents chillen on the couch and me in my yesterday clothes). So that was fine, he saw me at work a few days later and it was fine until I said something douchey (I don’t play “hard to get”, I play “try to like me now”). Then he didn’t really want to talk to me anymore (especially with the instigating then apologizing texts I sent after he left). Now I want you to keep in mind, we had already planned on doing something the upcoming weekend and I was now unsure it was going to still happen. So I tried to get him to see me the nest day, he didn’t respond. The following day, he didn’t respond until after I had left. I left him a voxer message. 1 was intentional, the second was supposed to have gone to someone else. So, here is the scene. I was a douche to this guy who took me out for a nice dinner and now we have a 7 to 1 text message ratio and I left an accidental voxer in his box. So I got drunk and left another >1 minute voxer babbling at 3am. Cool, if he ever did want to talk to me, he won’t now. So all I can think to do now if throw myself at him sexually or forget we ever saw each other and wait for him to text me. I hate waiting!
So I am already down about that because it has officially been brought to my attention how FUCKING AWKWARD I happen to me. Great… He will probably never want to see me again.
Then Tim said he would be in town so I hoped to see him just so I could build myself back up from the terrible train of mistakes I had made. He blew me off, a lot. The only chance I had of seeing him was to stay in a hotel with him on Sunday night and I didn’t want to do that because I am finally over and done with all that shit and I don’t want to go back to having any emotional attachments to a man incapable of caring about another human being. So me not sleeping with him forfeited any opportunity of seeing him. You know, just typing this out makes it completely justified to me and I am no longer even bothered that I haven’t seen him.
But the point of this whole thing is that I act like I am fine with ending up alone in life but I am at that time in the year where I just want someone to watch a movie with in bed and fall asleep with. I don’t need pda and breakfast in bed and jewelry and phone calls every night. I just want to know that someone out the of the opposite sex cares about me and about my happiness and I can say that I feel the same way. I don’t think that is too much to ask but it just doesn’t seem like it is remotely attainable right now. And I am not even talking marriage material, date nights, or promises. I just want to have a guy with whom I can talk about my day and know I am not a burden, or hell, just not talk at all. I think it would improve my mood in all aspects of life if I could just curl up in bed with a guy and watch some bad action movie, kiss, and then go to sleep.
So what do I do now? First, tone down the crazy. I am really not insane, I just hate not having closure. I don’t like fights that are unresolved, people not answering questions, or not understanding why someone does what he or she is doing. Second, well… one was as far as I got and trust me, I am working on it (hence the blog post).
Come on, New Year, hit me with your best shot. I am ready to feel alive again!
