I learned something about myself today
I have really high self esteem. I love myself, I feel good about myself, I feel attractive and, except for the occasional ugly/fat day, I feel good about my body. Because of this, I try to date jerks. I want to date people who make me feel insecure so that their complements mean so much more. I want to date people who are rude to me, ignore me, treat me like garbage and then they tell me I am pretty that one time and I feel like I do already on a daily basis without them. It is just that when they are around, I can get kisses and such to sweeten the deal. It isn’t healthy and I feel like the guy that I am not talking to right now should know that this is what I am doing. Those nights when I am driving out to see him and I show up just in time to go to bed and leave before he ever gets up. I don’t mind actually spending time with him but I don’t know if either of us want to go out of our ways to make that happen. Lord knows, he flat out said he doesn’t want to come to my apt. Boys never want to travel for a sleep over. So instead of dealing with this with him (doubt that he actually cares), I angrily decorated my room and cleaned up my bathroom. I don’t know what to do. I could talk to him about it but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I am bored so this is something I have a lot of time to harp over and I am sure that the feelings may just pass. What does he want from all of this? Does he do this with a lot of people? Why and I being so foolish? Gosh, who knows? But i am leaving the ball in his court and I hate it but it is probably for the best that I just pretend these last few weeks just didn’t happen. Agh
